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Should you hire a private detective?

In our last blog post, we discussed two types of situation in which you might consider calling a private eye to investigate your partner or ex – if you were being blackmailed, and if you were being threatened or intimidated. Today we’ll cover two more. Reason number three is…

3. You’re concerned for the safety and welfare of your child or children.

This to me is by far the most clear-cut example of where arranging some surveillance of your former partner is justified. I’m not talking about you being worried that the kids are eating too much junk-food at their place – just give them some extra vegies on the days they’re at yours, and write a passive-aggressive Facebook post about it.

What we’re actually talking about here is where you suspect something serious is going on. Maybe your kids seem scared, or you’ve noticed strange marks or bruises on them. This is especially relevant for situations where your access to your child is infrequent, or where your child is not yet at an age where they can talk.

There have been a few highly publicised cases of child deaths this year under such circumstances, in Australia and overseas, and what was perhaps most heart-breaking in some of them was the way that the relevant authorities seemed powerless or unwilling to help. It’s not always easy for them – the agencies in charge of child welfare are usually understaffed, underfunded, overworked, and forced to operate within what can be a frustrating bureaucratic and legal regime that limits how much they can help. Of course, when your child’s safety is at risk, understanding all this is little consolation – you can’t very well shrug your shoulders and say “Red tape and budget cuts – what can you do?” You have to do something, and the best thing to do is gather evidence.

Perhaps you feel you know your partner well enough to be certain that they would never lay a hand on your kid, so you believe their explanations about the bruises, say. But there’s often a third party in this equation whom you may not know from a bar of soap – your ex’s new partner. They may well be spending more time with the kids than you are nowadays. We wouldn’t want to encourage paranoia – divorces happen, custody arrangements happen, and in the vast majority of cases the kids are certainly not being abused. But if there’s one area where your guiding principle should be “better safe than sorry”, it’s looking out for your kids.

4. Your current partner has a life-destroying addiction over which they’ve lost control.

This is a tough one. Are you calling a PI every time you think your partner might be sneaking a quick smoke, cheeky punt or post-work beverage? In that case, the most unhealthy thing in your lives is not the cigarettes and booze, it’s the relationship.

On the other hand, perhaps your partner has, in the past, lost his or her friends, job, and house to drugs or alcohol, and you stuck by their side the whole time. They tearfully pleaded with you not to let them ever touch the stuff again, and you nursed them back into normalcy and stability. Down the line, you’ve got your own place, maybe even kids, and suddenly you’re having trouble making the mortgage payments because you seem to be inexplicably short on money every few weeks. On top of this, your partner has been acting erratically lately, but after many months still refuses to say what’s wrong. Hiring a private investigator is still not a decision to be treated flippantly, but in such a situation you owe it to yourself, to your kids – and to them – to do something about it, even if it means thinking a bit creatively.